The Origins of the Thirty Course War
The continent of Epicurea had
long known peace. Certainly there were the occasional uprising, riot,
food fight or revolt along with the odd dynastic squabble or border
conflict but, on the whole, the land had known peace for the better
part of a century. That was before the Great Debate had degenerated
into the Grand Conflict which, as everyone knows, brought about the
the Irredeemable Disagreement. The humble origin of this continent
shattering cataclysm was the issue of The Small Plate; more
specifically whether one could legitimately replace lunch with a
selection of Small Plates as a proper form of repast if one was
considering a larger meal later that day. Not that anyone had ever
done such a thing, just whether, as a point of philosophy and
practicality, it would be proper to do so.
At first it was just a matter
of idle chatter, then positions became more heated and crystallized.
As the years passed and the matter consumed more and more of the
Epicureans political consciousness secret groups began to form practicing the forbidden habit of snacking instead of eating a proper
meal. Some even went so far as to avoid eating a proper meal
altogether and subsisting entirely on The Small Plate. The
establishment was horrified at such thoughts and responded with even
more stringent rules of etiquette.
Finally the famous philosopher
and chef, Joel Robuchon, nailed his now famous 95 Recipes to the door
of the Culinary Arts University in the capitol of Gluttonia. Outraged
by such impudence the Emperor of Gluttonia, Ferdinand de Flamboise
III, place Robuchon under edict and revoked his license to cook.
Furthermore he demanded that once a month every citizen of the Empire
would serve a Thirty Course Feast. Chaos ensued, poorer citizens
remarked that their feast would be thirty courses of beans,
consisting of a single bean in each course; rich citizens replied
that the poor could join them as no person could be expected to eat
so much and food would be otherwise wasted.
Robuchon fled to a sympathetic
nobleman's estates where he continued with his seditious preaching.
The Empire trembled on the brink of dissolution. The neighboring
nations of Freedonia, Ferndalia and Boozonia were impacted as well
with the heretical ideas being scorned in Freedonia, accepted in
Ferndalia and largely ignored in Boozonia (except as it gave leave
for late night snacking after returning from the bar). As the Emperor
became more strident in his demands for culinary compliance and the
opposition began to prepare for armed resistance a new problem came
into view; a huge and savage fleet sailed into the Middle Sea from
the east.
With its ships brimming over
with strange and frightful warriors the invaders swiftly conquered the island
of Mindoro and waged unrelenting war upon anyone they encountered.
Shaken from their collective madness by the sudden arrival of an
existential threat the Gluttonians set aside their differences and
prepared to recover the island of Mindoro from the interlopers.
Hoping to heal his nations wounds Ferdinand decided to lead the
armada in person. At first things went well with a successful landing
on Mindoro followed by a couple of battlefield victories but, as he
prepared to attack the capital of the invaders Ferdinand was killed
in an insignificant skirmish.
Normally this would not have
proved a problem as the Empress had provided Ferdinand with three
sons; Hanz, Franz and Clauz. The issue arose from the fact that Franz
and Hanz were identical twins who had spent so much of their youths
lying about which one was which that nobody was really sure who had
been born first, thus clouding the line of succession. This was
compounded by the fact that they were both a little more than
slightly mad. Furthermore, Hanz was a Small Plate disciple while
Franz was a follower of the Proper Meal School. Poor Clauz, the three
years younger son, was clearly the smartest and most even tempered of
the three but he was frightfully ugly and had not yet reached the age
of majority. The House of Flambiose was poised on the brink of ruin.
Into this unstable situation
stepped his Most Caloric Majesty the King of Freedonia, Louis the
Ravenous XIII. He held forth that he had known the Flamboise twins
since their early days and he knew that Franz (who was conveniently
staying in the Freedonian capital at the time) was the One True Heir
and offered to escort him to the Gluttonian capitol Vienee for his
coronation. Not to be outdone Peter the Famished II of Ferndalia
promptly declared that he too had known the royal twins since
childhood and he had determined that Hanz (who, oddly enough, was
staying in the Ferndalia capitol at the time) was the rightful heir.
Peter had already begun his procession to the Gluttonian capitol for
the coronation. In the north the Boozonian High Constable, Gordon Ramsey, declared that the twins should not to be considered the legal
heirs due to their madness and advocated that Clauz be make Emperor.
Unfortunately Clauz had been last seen on a three-day bender in the Boozonian
coastal city of Bowmore so his March to Fame would have to wait.
With all the elements of a Civil
War in play back home the Gluttonian army swiftly contracted a unduly generous peace
treaty with the invaders granting them permanent rights to the Island
of Mindoro as fiefs of the House of Flamboise. The invading army,
both confused and delighted, promptly agreed and signed the treaty. While
doing so they politely inquired as to the ownership of the nearby
large islands, Kassabalka and Khrotos. Having been assured that they
did not belong to the House of Flambiose they swiftly set about
invading both.The Gluttonian army fell into arguing factions as they traveled home and narrowly avoided armed conflict with itself.
This is the sorry state of
affairs that we find ourselves in today; Gluttonia armed to the teeth
and divided, two claimants to the empty Imperial Throne, foreign
armies approaching its borders from the east, west and south while
the only heir that offers any chance of a hopeful future has gone missing
on a drunken fishing trip far to the north.
very impressive!
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